What does fear cost you?

I look back for as long as I can remember and I couldn't recollect a time when I wasn't living in fear. I was probably 6 or 7, when my classmates used to bully me. I was rather small physically and never had the courage to stand up for myself. I wouldn't blame the bullies, because kids are kids. I blame myself for carrying on the belief that I am small even into my adulthood. Long after the bullying stopped, I'm still frightened of people. Every day I go out, I keep thinking if someone is going to hurt me, and how embarrassing would it be, if I panic and start shivering? I may have gotten older and physically stronger, but that scared child in me hasn't grown past that bullying and still walks keeping his head down, always monitoring for threats and in flight mode. I wish that child fought even if he lost. The battles with them would have made him stronger, instead he waged an eternal war with himself in his head. 

Bullying made me feel physically small and our poverty made me feel mentally small. Being poor is one thing and knowing you are poor is another thing. I've realized we were poor when I was very young. I still remember that day when our teacher made me carry my notebook to each student in our class, bench to bench and see if anyone else is using a low quality notebook like mine. My shoes didn't have any sole, and I would carefully drag my legs while walking so others behind me wouldn't notice. I would barely open my lunch box in front of others. My clothes were either too short or too long. Always passed onto me from others. I wish that kid didn't know he was poor. 

I was probably 8 years old when all the kids around me knew how to ride a bicycle. My family was so poor that I couldn't rent a bicycle, let alone buying one. I tried learning to ride, but was too embarrassed to learn at 8 when all the kids were already performing stunts on their bicycles. As I grew older, the embarrassment grew and people started making fun whenever I attempted to learn. I became a teenager and there was no way I could learn with all the embarrassment I was carrying. I believed I could never learn to ride a bicycle and obviously couldn't learn to ride a motorcycle and driving a car was a far cry. I was made fun by my family, friends, relatives and everyone who knew about me. I wish there was at least one person in my entire life, who didn't make fun of me and attempted to teach me, or at least gave me confidence that I can learn. 

I was probably around 16 years when I first realized there was something wrong with me psychologically. I became extremely scared to go out in public. That's when I realized I might have social anxiety. As years passed, my awareness increased and I started observing myself more. First it was social anxiety, then health anxiety, then general anxiety followed by panic attacks. I barely lived, always survived. Somehow I found time to fall in love with a girl. The girl left me for my anxiety and she was very mature and honest enough to tell me that nobody would want to be with me until I fix myself. 

I'm 32 years of age as of today. I survived 30 years, barely ever lived. I resolved to change that. That kid will learn to ride a bicycle. He will not put his head down because of his poverty, he will hold his head high and work hard to find a way out of it. That teenager will learn to ride a motorcycle. That adult will not hold back because of his anxieties, he will move anyway.

I am still anxious, but I started to live slowly. I landed myself a high paying job, this year I did my first solo trip to Europe, got a driving licence, bought a car, started exercising and not afraid to find love again.

In spite of regrets, fears, embarrassments, failures and losses, I will LIVE.