Why Do Relationships Fail?

I've spent a lot of time trying to understand what makes a relationship truly successful. I observed people in happy relationships, read books, and listened to lectures on the subject, but I still couldn't find the answer. It’s baffling that, despite the importance of relationships to our existence, we haven’t figured out how to make them work. Marriage, one of the tools invented to make relationships last, works only by forcing you to be in the relationship even when it's not actually thriving. The idea of marriage is given false significance by linking it to religion, duty, morals, and societal standards. 

I wasn't just seeking answers for marital or romantic relationships but for all the relationships between people. Like the relationship between parents and children, the relationship between friends, relatives, or any other human relationship. I started questioning myself: Why am I seeking a relationship with another person? We tend to seek what we lack, but what exactly am I expecting from a relationship? That's when I realized the problem. I have expectations in every relationship. These expectations can be material, physical, emotional, or psychological. It's easy to understand and acknowledge material and physical expectations, but emotional and psychological expectations are subtle. Many of us aren’t even aware of them, and yet we often take it for granted that it’s the other person’s job to meet those expectations.

I am talking about psychological and emotional dependencies like loneliness, insecurities, anxieties, fears, self-doubts, and all the other issues we face mentally in our everyday lives. 

For example:

• We want to have children because it gives us a sense of purpose, and we expect someone to take care of us when we are old. 

• We help others because we believe in karma, hoping that good things will happen to us in return.

• We enter a relationship because we feel lonely, and we see it as the other person's responsibility to fill the void in us. The other person may feel responsible and put in efforts to help with your loneliness, but how long can they keep it up? Eventually, they may feel drained, unable to help you or themselves. At that point, we begin to feel that the relationship isn’t working because the other person isn’t available or doesn’t meet our needs. We then question their commitment, interest, and loyalty in the relationship.

So, is it someone else's responsibility to solve our life's problems? And if not, what’s the point of being in a relationship? I believe it’s our responsibility to address our own issues and work on becoming psychologically and emotionally independent. For instance, if you feel lonely, understand loneliness and find out how to enjoy your own company. If you feel anxious, understand what anxiety is, and free yourself from your fears and worries. If you feel insecure, understand what insecurity is, and find security within. Understand that you are wholly and solely responsible for taking care of your emotional and psychological well-being.

When we do that, we no longer approach relationships with the expectation of getting something from the other person. Instead, we approach with compassion and love. We are then able to give without expecting anything in return, and that’s when relationships can thrive, because we don’t engage out of obligation but out of genuine desire. The effort we put in comes naturally from a place of love and passion, rather than duty or expectation. Imagine a world where we all are emotionally and psychologically self-sufficient and don't have any expectations of our children, parents, friends, relatives, or any other person. Then all the relationships are formed based on love and compassion and nothing else. 

Any relationship based on expectations will inevitably fail, sooner or later.